i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
