There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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