fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
