I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
