I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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