i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
