if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
