I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
