sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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