history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
