just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
