I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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