call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
