Dude my mom stole all your condoms
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
