So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
