You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
