We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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