so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
