Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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