Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
