my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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