i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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