if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
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