True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
