Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This baby is an asshole
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I pour the whiskey from now on
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
