did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My bed smells like the plague
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
