I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
