So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
