why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
