how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
