I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
