My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize