I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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