Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
