I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
