I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
