I smell stomach acid.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
