I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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