I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form