I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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