i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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