Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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