eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
