My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
