I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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