This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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