I accidentally burped into my bong.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
