I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
