theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I need moral support for this bender
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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