She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
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Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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