So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize