i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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