you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
