it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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