Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
