i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
