Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
